-Smile.*

so tonight was definitely not the best night, especially since i have school tomorrow.. smh. whatever..

so.. have you ever really loved someone.. to the point where it goes deeper than your mind, and heart.. like you love them from the bottom of yur soul. like it's like no matter what, you remain there. it's like you're walking on a narrow rope, and you're steady wobbling and shit, but you're faithfully walking.. and then BOOOOM. something hits and you're knocked over sgain, but this time you realize to fix what's broken.. you're just cutting your own self. *but don't cuts heal? yeah, but you're forever scared. i'm looking at my hands, and i still see the scares.. look down at my heart, the pace is getting slower, and my mind is just about dead. my soul.. where did it go? it's like i'm suffering from blood lost cause all these cuts and bruises.. idk what to do anymore.. i give up. you're not gettin cut like i am.. your feet aren't tired from walking on the ropes.. your mind isn't going crazy cause you keep thinking of ways to make it last .. and your heart doesn't hurt cause you don't care..


on to another topic.. you ever ask someone something and then you get te answer, and you sit there like.. damn girl, why even bother. shit is not changing..? lol, i did that to myself today. smh. but i mean, i wanted to know. and i found out.. it felt like i was pushed down from the sky.. like this world i pictured myself in. the world where it was just me and you.. but my landing, i ain't even reach it yet. i'm still falling down, hitting the layers of earth hard as hell.. tears falling like crazy, screaming for you to save me.. but you can't hear me.. you're not around anymore. i keep closing my eyes, squeezing them tight praying when i open them you'll be right there waiting for me..i can't tell you what number i'm on that i'm closing my eyes again.. i hear laughter coming from all directions, back, front, left, right, up, and down.. "told ya so" " should of let him go a loooonnnggg time ago" "now do you see him for the piece of shit that he is" "niggas like him don't deserve you anyway" blah blah blah... i'm trying to push all that BULLSHIT out. cause regardless what you may think of him..i loved him.. and i see him differently from you. smh, but i think it hit yo.. i'm just waiting to land.. and when i land i'll be paralyzed for some time.. but i know how to carry things with other people now..i think i would play my roles much better..only because i wouldn't participate in anything other than friendships. and i won't ever love you again.. or the next guy that comes along and tells me that i'm pretty and everything you've once said, i won't believe it. from all this falling, i'm becoming numb. it won't matter anymore..

i'll add your name to the list of guys i've loved, you're number 2. and you're the last. don't need no number 3. and no i'm not saying ima be the bitch that thinks niggas aint shit and being loved is hard to do.. i'ma just be the bitch that knows it already.

i've opened my eyes for the last time, checked my fone for the last time.. you're not around, you're not responding, i'm gone..
-JB*